Part 1: The Dating App Dance
Situationships are real. Last night, Jimmy called me (name changed of course, for privacy). It was the kind of call where I already knew something was up, but he finally mustered the courage to talk to me about it.
We set up a time to chat about it outside instead of just over a phone call. Within a few hours, we met up at a dessert shop and the look on his face was all that I needed to see. It was a girl problem.
He recently met this girl off an app, just as everyone does these days. It’s hard to find a genuine connection and when everyone’s so chronically online, it’s hard to resist the urge to give it a shot. They had been talking for two weeks and the descriptions of the date that they went on sounded like a classic case of what human interaction had now turned into.
Situationships have taken over the dating scene around my age range. The modern dating scene is a carousel of profile pictures and clever prompts, where their profile is so carefully curated that it’s hard to see their true personality at all. Soon after, the tears and harsh reality that come from dating apps surfaces.
We swipe, we match, and we feel like we’ve been able to talk to someone who we can really match with. However, people are scared of being alone and people are afraid of giving it their all. How many of these people you match with are genuinely emotionally available to you? How many of them actually care about who you are as a person and ask questions about you? Worst of all, do they genuinely want to talk to you because it’s you or they just want someone that they can treat like an AI chatbot?
Part 2: The Situationship Spiral
The thing about situationships is that they're like quicksand – by the time you realize you're in one, you're already sinking. Jimmy and this other girl (let’s call her Tiffany) had met up for two dates. At first, they met up and she got him a drink. I was like wow, that’s really kind of her! Without missing a beat, the rest of the date immediately went south.
She didn’t ask any questions about him, was shying away from all sort of talk about their past relationship, and all hopes of this turning out to be something that mattered to both of them went out the window. As soon as the date was over, she started bombarding him with random texts about her day again. All of this was just her wanting to talk to someone. She just wanted an AI chatbot who cared about her without any reciprocation.
In Jimmy’s shoes, he had devoted much of his time and effort to trying to make this work. However, after talking to everyone around him regarding his interactions with this girl, we all knew it wouldn’t work out. You have to cut it off and start talking to someone new.
And here's where the tears really start flowing – in those late-night moments when you're staring at your phone, analyzing their latest text, wondering if you're crazy for wanting more. These tears are heavy with uncertainty. They fall on your pillow at 2 AM while you scroll through their Instagram, looking for clues about where you stand.
The hardest part is this. How do you start talking to someone new again and giving it your all if you don’t know it will work out? We start holding back from doing all the kinds of things that we’re capable of doing. Are we now setting ourselves up for failure?
The worst part? This isn't Sarah's first time here. It's not even her second. Maybe that’s why she’s acting this way. It's becoming a pattern in New York – this dance of almost-intimacy that ends in ghosting or the dreaded "I'm not ready for anything serious" text.
Part 3: The Healing and (Inevitable) Repeat
The breakup tears from a situationship hit different. They make you question everything – was it even real enough to cry over? (Yes, it was.) Jimmy's going through the stages now:
- The immediate breakdown (ugly crying on the bathroom floor)
- The angry tears (while deleting their texts)
- The nostalgic tears (passing by that bubble tea shop)
- The "I'm fine" tears (when friends ask how you're doing)
- The healing tears (finally accepting it wasn't what you needed)
But here's the cruel joke of dating in New York – just when those tears dry, just when you think you're done with the apps... someone new comes along. The cycle starts again. Another profile catches your eye. Another person seems different. Another chance to hope.
And you know what? Maybe that's okay.
How I see it is this. Dating apps aren’t for everyone. But, there are people that it can work for. You can 100% of your effort into talking to someone even if they walk away. This way, they can walk away but you won’t feel bad for not putting in all your effort if they were truly the one you could imagine dating for a long time. You also don’t have any control over if they walk away or not. That’s their decision to make and for you to accept. On the other hand, you’ll realize your own true value as well. You are capable of loving and being loved.
A Note of Understanding
To anyone reading this with fresh tears on their face, I get it. Whether you're:
- Crying over someone who never gave you a straight answer
- Tearfully deleting yet another dating app
- Sobbing because they still watch your Instagram stories
- Weeping because the next person seems to be following the same pattern
Your tears are valid. Every single one.
Remember, in this city of millions, so many of us are crying these same tears. In high-rise apartments, on subway platforms, in bathroom stalls at work – we're all part of this messy, beautiful, heartbreaking dance.
Until next time, let those tears fall. They're making space for something real, even if it takes a few more tries to find it.
P.S. I’m not a therapist! Just someone sharing their thoughts online, in hopes that it’ll reach and help some of you out there. I love getting messages from you all and it genuinely makes my day!